July272012
Like it Should Be.
So I’m sitting here, listening to the rain and wanting coffee and knowing it’s much too late for that and thinking about God and how beautiful He’s made this summer. I had my exit interview today, and just getting to process all of what He’s done in me these past ten weeks has been overwhelming and breathtaking.
The cleansing, renewing, purifying, amazing redemption and healing that He’s brought my heart has been such a sweet release.
More than anything else, this summer, the Lord has shown me how He loves- and how I need to love as a result. I watched Furious Love the other day. It’s a documentary about how God is working in the world today. In it, Darren Wilson talks about how God’s love is not contingent on us believing in it, it’s not dependent on us reciprocating it, it comes with no strings attached. The film points out that we as Christians demonize people- we judge them, we deem them worthy or unworthy of our love.
There is such a contrast here, between Christ and His “Christians.” I don’t want to be that ironic, hypocritical, judgemental Christian who thinks I’m superior because I claim to know the one true God. I DO know Him, and I know His undeniable love- and because of that, I have a responsibility to share that, and to love like that: furiously, boldly, and without hesitation.
I am a lover by nature, not a fighter. I am a relationship person, and I am good at loving people. I’m not being prideful here, I’m being honest. That’s the way I was made. But then I take a closer look. I am very good at loving… but do I go out of my comfort zone to seek people to love who won’t reciprocate? Do I pursue them tirelessly and relentlessly the way the Lord does, and love always, everyone, unconditionally? Is my love contingent on people love me back?
If I’m being completely honest, yes, it is. That is disgusting. We were not made to love conditionally, to love when it’s comfortable, to love only the people who accept our love. I want to love like Christ, and that starts now. Everything the Lord has been teaching me- that I need to be selfless, to deny myself, to pursue my sweet Savior with those around me- all these things have love at the core. It should be at the very foundation of everything, my life, my heart, every part of me. As John Eldredge said, I want to love with much more abandon and stop waiting for others to love me first. I want to hurl myself into a creative work worthy of God and love with my whole heart and see what miraculous and beautiful things He makes out of me- just a southern girl who came to Colorado with a broken heart and a desperate longing for someone to hold me in their arms and wrap me in their love and say that I am beloved and it will be alright. And that’s exactly what He did. Because that is how pure and satisfying His love is. I keep thinking of the lyrics from Beautiful Things, and how much of a mirror image of my summer they are- from pain and brokenness to hope and life being found in Christ, and seeing how He makes beautiful things out of us, when we are so far from beautiful, and how he is making me new, because His love is too flawless, too genuine, too pure and simple, too complete to leave me in the broken state that I was. Our sweet, sweet Savior is so wonderful, and He has this beautiful way of making everything beautiful, too, in it’s time, like it should be.
I can’t tell you how amazing this summer has been. There are so many things I’ll miss from here. So many. Blowing bubbles with Lena & Caycen, coloring and singing with Wren, cuddling with Reyna, skipping rocks with Ike, dancing with Levi. I’ll miss drives up Trail Ridge Road with music blaring and windows down, I’ll miss late night quesadillas and good conversations in the ice cream shop, I’ll miss stargazing in truck beds, I’ll miss serving next to my brothers and sisters in Christ, I’ll miss Bible studies & coffee at Kind and smallgroups and running after the Lord with the beautiful people here. I’ll even miss Quickbooks and my crazy slow computer and the paper cutter in the office. I’ll miss the thunder in the mountains and falling asleep to the sound of rain and iced coffee in Estes and Mr. Larry at the post office and chipmunks everywhere on the walk to Lily Lake and playing my flute in the barn and running through the aspen groves and how beautiful every little thing here is.
But I know that I’ll take the most important things with me- my friendships and memories and what the Lord has taught me, and I am so unbelievably thankful for this summer, for my sweet Savior, and for all the amazing people who have made it what it is. But most of all, love. & That’s all.
July202012
Why I’m Peacing Out for a While.
So let me explain why, for the next week, your newsfeed won’t be filled with me, why I won’t reply to your texts, why I won’t be calling you, why my blog will suddenly be silent, and why my hashtags won’t grace your twitter page. Heartbreaking, I know. Since obviously your happiness is fully dependent on my communication through all of the social media outlets that I can find.
There is more to life than liking a status or pinning a recipe or email alerts or hashtags or posting every aspect of my life to instagram.
There’s breakfast in an aspen grove on a Friday morning where you can see the mountains, there’s laying in a truck bed and being amazed by the overwhelming vastness of the skies and the stars, there’s laughing with lovely people who love you and care about you and protect you, there’s the beauty of escaping from everyone else, going away, and being alone with the Lord and just soaking up His presence and who He is. And I don’t want to miss a second of that.
It’s been an amazing nine weeks so far. I’m ready to be home, I’m ready for what God has in store for the next phase of my life, and I’m excited for everything He’s done in me this summer, and all that He wants to do through me this next year. But at this exact moment, I am here. And this is where He’s called me, and this is where He wants me. I don’t want to have any regrets from this summer. I want to look back and know that I poured out everything, that I served until it hurt and that I loved people and let the Lord have the glory, because He absolutely deserves it.
So. The next time you hear from me, I’ll be getting ready to head back to my pretty Texas to see all the pretty people there, and chances are I’ll be crying. A lot. Because I so love everyone here. But anyway. That’s why I’m peacing out for a while. I love y’all. Bye now.
12AM
Pretty & Pure & Unbroken
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” -Proverbs 4:23
Let’s be honest here. How incredibly awful am I at doing this? My gosh. I’m so bad at it. Like, horrible. If there’s one thing I don’t do, it’s protect and guard my heart. Maybe it’s my naive innocence that people are not going to hurt me (though I should know by now that this isn’t true), maybe it’s wishful thinking, maybe it’s the fact that I know people are fundamentally good so I assume that they can’t do bad. I don’t know. But I trust everyone. I am open about everything. I wear my heart on my sleeve like no one’s business. & in a way, I love that I was created that way. I don’t ever lie, so I’m never caught up in a web of dishonesty, people can usually read me pretty well, so I don’t always have to explain what I’m feeling, and I love people & am such a relationship person, so relationships and friendships typically come really easily for me.
But there’s a reason that we’re called to guard our hearts.
First of all. Your heart is who you are. It’s the very center of your existence, and it’s composed of everything that’s most important to you… dreams, loves, passions…
Second. If everything we do “flows from it,” then our actions, our words, the way we encourage, the way we lead, literally everything we do comes from our hearts. If our hearts aren’t in the right place, then our actions won’t be either.
Last, we have to protect our hearts because so many things are constantly attacking it. That may sound ridiculous. But think about it. As Americans, how many things do we have competing for our attention, seeking our affection, and fighting for control of our hearts? For me, it’s so many different things. My heart is constantly being torn at by my love for people, my desire to please people, my own insecurities, the pressure of not being good enough, and about a million other things. How is this healthy for me? It’s not. So we do have to protect our hearts.
Let me just tell you. I’m awful at this. I know I am. But I also know that I am surrounded by beautiful people who are constantly helping me to protect my heart. Take the men here for instance. They have, on more than one occasion, spoken truth into my life, offered to beat guys up for me, and just loved on me the way that I am. I also know that the Lord has a hold of my heart. Whatever has happened in the past, He is constantly in the process of purifying me. Of making me- and my heart- beautiful, pure, and completely whole. And for that I am so hopeful of what He has in store for me & who He has for my future. So there’s that. I love you & I’ll continue to give all my secrets away. Because obviously. That’s just who I am. Sweet dreams!!
July152012
Fun & Exciting Facts of the Day
1. Wind is cold.
2. Rain is colder.
3. Thunder is loud.
4. Lightening is pretty.
5. I want chocolate.
The End!
July132012
You Cannot Be Serious.
I love lists.
Did you know this about me? Probably. I love them. I love planning and making checklists and schedules and sticky notes and organization.
I love being prepared for things and having things in order and I love being in control.
& the Lord is showing me that I’m not in control. And oh hey, I really don’t appreciate that. Yes, I know that I am unable to handle everything alone. I know that I am not strong enough to lean on myself. Yes, I know that on my own, I believe people’s lies, I get hurt, I get burned out, I feel insufficient. I know that I need God. But I also know that I don’t want to not be in control.
So, fine. I’ll go to Africa. I’ll learn how to love people on days that go completely wrong. I’ll do the Daniel Fast and learn how to deny myself. I’ll trust the God has a plan for the relationships that leave me broken and empty and drained. But I really, really, really don’t want to surrender control of my color coded planner and detailed lists. And apparently, I need to learn how to do that.
Give up complete and total control of my time. Surrender my schedule to the Lord.
That needs to go on my to-do list… haha. Just kidding. But seriously.
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